Tap that!

With the previous post (Bananas and Berry Shakes) it's easy to see that I love me my music. Love. This is a love that has existed forever and because of that I've been attending concerts of various styles, shapes, and sizes for equally as long. In recent months I have decided, along with my concert attending posse, that concert etiquette and know-how is a thing of the past. So here I would like to offer up some observations for a list of Concert Do's, and Concert Don'ts. I'm by no means an expert, but I feel the following list are things we would all benefit from.

DO'S and DON'Ts: CONCERT EDITION

• DO go with your friends or people you care about to concerts. More the merrier.
• DON'T noisily make out with your significant other the entire concert. This includes sucking noises, sighs, heavy breathing, grunts, moans, etc. etc. If you are curious if you've crossed the line, just look at the disgusted faces around you. This will verify your need to a) stop or b) get a room
• DO fraternize with other concert go-ers. This is a great time to get to know new people
• DON'T talk during the entire effing concert. That's right, I said effing.
  
• DO feel free to dance, move about, generally look like you're enjoying the music
• DON'T headbang in a Missy Higgins set. She is not a rocker; neither are you. Also, your incessant need to headbang like Paris Hilton is turning my face into a whipping post for your weave.
• DO use a fake laugh to freak out the people around you. Your friends will wet their pants with hilarity while the people around you judge you . (Tara?)
• DON'T assume that the crazy-scary-beluga-whale-laugh from the girl behind you is real... you just got PUNK'D!
• DO watch what you do with your elbows- in close concert proximity one uninhibited move of the elbow could catch your neighbor in a variety of places that don't want to be smacked: face, boob, crotch. Just to name a few. If you can't control it, fold your arms and sway. Your neighbors thank you for it... and so do their parts.
• DON'T bring your Mary Poppins sized carpet purse to the concert zone. This will double your body mass, but you won't be aware of it, which means as you dance around crazily that purse (that probably has a dead body in it) is whacking and bruising the people around you.
  
• DO consolidate your belongings. Generally speaking you'll need: an ID, the ticket, a bit of cash, chapstick, and a cell phone. These items fit in your pockets. If it doesn't fit in your pocket you probably don't need it. (Please see previous "don't" and get your purse out of my stomach. 'preciate cha.)
• DON'T repeat loudly that you wish the "set would just get over" during the headliner. This makes people who actually want to be there really bothered with you... especially since you and your BFF's obnoxiously and painfully elbowed your way to the front. TIP: leave if you're "so over it".
  
• DO wear deodarant. PLEASE. For the love. We are in close proximity and chances are high that you will be clapping, dancing, and lifting your hands in the air to share your love with the artist. We support you in doing this, as long as you've been supported under there.
  
• DON'T put smoking restrictions on venues if this restriction isn't going to be followed up on
• DO "fart on" the person standing behind you if the cigarette smoke is bothering you. This is a perfect way to say "you're bugging me". Silent, but deadly. (Yeah, this happened, you know who you are!!)
• DON'T stand next to someone whom you suspect to be farting on you. Gets awkward.
• DO yell out "TAP THAT" at the top of your lungs if you find the artist to be super attractive. Works every time, right Asholina?
• DON'T stop going to concerts. Where else can you mash a million people in one gross room and expect them to like it?